Mormon Church is Like a Bar...or Daycare...

Church has recently become my only source of social contact. I am married without kids (so far) and we literally have no friends. We live in a town that has either white collar Mormons or blue collar hillbillys. So as you may have guessed, the only place to make friends is either church, a truck stop, or a bar. I remember the singles ward being just like a bar - only the drinks are a different kind of "spirited." Awkwardly looking at someone from across the room, talking casually for a bit, then instead of getting some ass in the end we just get engaged. The analogy changes a bit after you transfer over into the married student or family ward. Bar:Singles Ward as Daycare:Married Wards.

I always hated that about sacrament meeting. There's nothing that makes me want to burn down the church half-way through sacrament like thirty seven screaming babies and their parents who won't dimiss themselves to the hallway. Like if they miss one second of a talk to comfort their child, they are going to hell. Primary needs to be the full three hours so that the rest of us can actually pay attention (or at least daydream/sleep in peace.) There is one difference between the married student wards and the family wards - the age of the children. Instead of having kids that are 13, 10, 7, 5, and 3 you get a 3 year old, a 1 year old, an infant, and a fetus. I have never in my life seen so many pregnant people outside a prenatal yoga class in my life than I have seen in the married student ward. If you go to a school that is predominatley LDS, well you can only guess how many classes women skip for morning sickness. It's a wonder that they even graduate. Don't get me wrong though, even though I have graduated college, I still always wanted to be pregnant during that time. (Like it was SO long ago...two months today to be exact.) Anyway, I think that being pregnant, having kids, and everything else that comes with it is going to be awesome. But when I am sitting in church and my little shits start yelling at the top of their lungs you better believe I will lock them in the car. (Just kidding, don't make any phone calls.)

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am a member of the church and you embarass me. First of all, my husband is a blue collar worker and is far from a hillbilly and doesn't work at a truck stop. After reading several of your posts, I just want to remind you that some of the main things we are taught include excepting others and spreading the Word. These things are not being portrayed within this blog.

April said...

This blog isn't meant to personally offend anyone. My family members are hillbillys, which is why I am making fun of them. It's meant as a joke. If my family were snooty white collared folks, I would make fun of them too. It's all in good fun.

Mormon Heretic said...

I used to say the same thing about crying children in church. However, if you keep dragging them out every time they make noise, they quickly learn how to avoid church. Pretty soon you not only quit going to church, you quit going to the store, movies, everywhere else...because kids generally don't want to do whatever you're doing.

April said...

Yeah that's true. I have found that there's no real way to escape the little buggers. I guess when you have your own children to attend to, you don't notice all the other screaming babies. Can't wait!

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